The power of music surrounds us everyday.  We use it to pump ourselves up for a workout.  We use it to get into the spirit of the holidays.  We use it to worship God. We use it to celebrate birthdays. We use it to mediate. We even use music to help us heal and release emotions.  Music seems to be a universal language of sorts.

For me, I have always had a special connection to music. It has a power so great, that at the right moment, with the right song, my soul can be moved so very deeply.  There really is nothing else in the physical world that can touch my soul like music can.

Growing up I didn’t realize just how important music would be to me and my journey.  Looking back now,   I can see the foreshadowing taking place as my life story was being created. 

My dad was always a lover of music.  I was always in awe of the hundreds of record albums he had lining the wall.  There was one particular album that we would always listen to,The Wall by Pink Flyod. I can remember being about 7 or 8 and  jamming out to the lyrics of “Another Brick in the Wall  Part  2“. What I didn’t know then was that every other song on that album I would soon eventually come to relate to.

By the time I was nine years old my parents had already divorced, I was the daughter of an alcoholic, and I was a survivor of secret sexual abuse.  In nine short years of my time on Earth, the bricks began to form. And everything that ever came next would be just “Another Brick in the Wall.” 

I feel in love at the very young age of fifteen, ” Young Lust“.  Who could really blame me,  I lived with my abuser and I just needed someone to love me. This is the time of my life where I was figuring out my self-worth, and I figured out I had none. Young love is painful, it is hard, you hurt and you get hurt.  You experience resentment, anger, fear, and criticism. All leading to “Another Brick in the Wall“.  My journey with him would last a decade.

Probably the most tragic thing in my life was the unexpected passing of my dad when I was nineteen. It left a huge void in my soul.  It would take years for me to completely understand how that one moment in time completely changed the course of my life and set me on my souls purpose.  ” Daddy’s flown across the ocean, leaving just a memory. Snapshot in the family album. Daddy what else did you leave for me? Daddy, what’d’ja leave behind for me?!? All in all it was just a brick in the wall. All in all it was all just bricks in the wall” “Another Brick in the Wall Part 1“.

Comfortably Numb” would become the theme of my life from this point on. I spent the next couple of years of my life participating in self-destructive behavior. Anything to numb my pain. Anything to fill the void that my twenty two years of life experience had caused me.  I was good at it. I hid my pain well.

By the time I was twenty-four I was married and had three children. We had gone from young love to adult love with all the stress that comes with it.  I was broken from loss and abuse and he was broken from abuse and war.  I needed so desperately to be loved and he had no idea how to show it.  It became very toxic, controlling, deceiving, and verbally abusive on both sides. We were two broken people trying to be normal.

 We spent the next 19 years in that toxic space. We raised three children together, I worked full-time, I was a soccer mom and coach, and I never felt so alone and unloved.  I was living on “Thin Ice“.  I had completely lost myself .  I had no idea who I was as a person, what I liked to do, I knew nothing about me or my soul.  I was a shell of a human being. 

I had spireled so far into my depression and was so lonely in my marriage that I just wanted to die. I thought about suicide all the time. I just wanted to run away and never return.  Goodbye cruel world, I’m leaving you today.  Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. “Goodbye Cruel World

I finally got the courage to leave my marriage.  It literally became either I leave or I die.  I know to some that may sound extreme and yes it probably was, but that was the state of mind I was in at the time.  I was completely broken.  The lyrics to “One of My Turns”  summarized that period of my life so well.  “Day after day, love turns grey, like the skin of a dying man. And night after night, we pretend its alright, but I have grown older and you have grown colder and nothing is very much fun anymore.” 

God gave me a second chance at love. I met the man that I knew was my soul mate.  He was my best friend, my confidant, the absolute love of my life.  I had never been in such a healthy relationship before. I no longer lived in a place of fear.  I trusted this man 100%. Most importantly I knew he loved my back.  He made me feel it everyday. He was my fairytale.  But what I didn’t know was that he was a broken soul too and the promises he made to me, he could not keep. He was the greatest love of my life and the biggest heartbreak of my life. One day we were perfect and in love and the next day it was over. I had to watch the man I loved and  planned a future with just walk away from me. “Don’t leave me now. Don’t say it’s the end of the road. Remember the flowers I sent. I need you, babe.” ” Don’t leave me now“.

I spent the following years being lost.  My soul was broken and I had no purpose. I was self-destructing and numbing all over again and I was alone. I was crying out for help! ” Hey you, out there in the cold Getting lonely, getting old Can you feel me? Hey you, standing in the aisles With itchy feet and fading smiles Can you feel me? Hey you, dont help them to bury the light Don’t give in without a fight.”  “Hey You

Then in 2015 my cries out to the universe to show me there is more ” Is Anybody out There” were finally answered.  I am never alone.  The spirit world embraced me and said you are done suffering.  We will give you purpose.  We will show you love. Today your healing journey begins. ” I don’t need no arms around me And I dont need no drugs to calm me. I have seen the writing on the wall. Don’t think I need anything at all. No! Don’t think I’ll need anything at all. All in all it was all just bricks in the wall. All in all you were all just bricks in the wall.” ” Another Brick in the Wall Part 3

I have done a lot of work to break down those blocks so they no longer define me.  I have completely changed my life and my perspective.  I sit in gratitude for the lessons presented to me and humbled by the experiences this life has given.  I wouldn’t be the Medium I am today without have taken the journey.

I pray that the blocks created by my experiences have not caused life long blocks for my children. “Hush now baby, baby, dont you cry. Mother’s gonna make all your nightmares come true. Mother’s gonna put all her fears into you. Mother’s gonna keep you right here under her wing. She wont let you fly, but she might let you sing. Mama will keep baby cozy and warm. Of course mama’ll help build the wall.”  ” Mother “. In my suffering I am sure I have caused harm to the children that I love so much. I hope through my own healing I can be an inspiration of love to them rather than a source of hurt and pain. 

Forty three years ago I was introduced to the album, The Wall.  That album represents  happy memories, painful emotions, hurt feelings, regret, and guilt.  But it also represents my journey, the connection I have to spirit, self-love, and the inspiration to help others heal by breaking down our blocks.

“Must the show go on?  Take me home. Let me go.  There must be some mistake. I didnt mean to let them take away my soul. Am I too old, is it too late?  Where has the feeling gone?  Will I remember the songs? The show must go on.”

I AM The Red Couch Medium

2 thoughts on “The Bricks that Built my Wall

  1. Tracey,
    The Universe brought me to you yesterday. I truly believe I knew the answers to my questions but I now know what direction I need to go. The message you had for me has brought me much peace. There is still a long road ahead but I am actually looking forward to it instead of trying to run away. Thank you so much!! I will see you again my friend.

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