So what happens when a Medium suffers from depression? It has been awhile since my last blog and that is mainly because it has taken me till now to finally have the energy, courage, and mostly the will to even want to write anything down. Thanksgiving day is the day my emotions started to spiral. I have always had some difficulties at holiday time when there are big gatherings. Never really knew why my anxiety kicks into over drive during those times. Now that I am plugged into what is happening to me with regards to energy I have finally realized that during the holidays I can get totally wiped out because of everyone else’s energy around me. I am a sponge and I absorb EVERYTHING from EVERYONE around me! Everything includes the not so nice feelings of anger, anxiety, and depression. This year was especially hard. I am more open to the energy around me with the work I am doing. At one point I had to lock myself in a closet and just cry and get away from everyone. I wasn’t prepared for the energy overload I would experience from having a large family gathering. I. I spiraled into a lonely, dark depression that lasted for days. I didn’t let anyone in on how I was feeling. I rarely left the house or my bed. I didn’t return calls or texts. I didn’t want to be around anyone unless it was absolutely necessary. And when I did have to go out and be social I was very good at masking my feelings. I can drag myself out of bed, struggle to shower, cry while putting on my make, and still show up with a smile on my face and laugh along side you. But I was keeping a HUGE secret. What you didn’t know was that I struggled to survive every day. Every day I kept myself alive was a major accomplishment. As I write this I am still overcome with emotions on just how bad it got at one point. I just know that this is something I have struggled with over lifetimes and this lifetime I was meant to beat it!!!!! By day four I was begging GOD to take these feelings away and allow me to feel “normal” again. As so it was, and so he did. I survived that very bleak moment in time. I am still working on getting my mind right again and continue to pray that those thoughts and feelings never return. I have been feeling energy a lot the past couple of days and I know that means spirit is trying to connect with me, but my mind just isn’t ready to surrender yet. To be honest I am a little afraid. The mind is such a powerful thing!!!! And to lose control of your mind is frightening!!!! Depression is REAL! It can hit you with no warning. You can be sad for no reason!! Depression HURTS!!! Depression KILLS!!
So, what does that mean for a Medium? Well it means I just took a couple of steps backwards. Being a Medium is all about trusting spirit and surrendering your brain to allow messages to come through. But when your brain gets sick it can be a little scary letting go and surrendering again. At the moment I am pushing spirit away. I am afraid to sit in stillness. I am afraid of losing control of my mind again. This past weekend I went to a meditation class. The first one I have been to since my incident. I really struggled. I tried. I wanted to. I wanted to let my imagination run free. I wanted to soar in the freedom of surrendering. I wanted to experience all the magic again. When taken on a journey to a beautiful meadow where we would find a gift for ourselves ….I got a rock. One single rock. Why a rock? Is that just the state of my mind right now? During the second meditation we were taken to a park bench where a loved one would join us. I sat in darkness. I am a Medium! I am in a room filled with people and their loved ones, yet I sat in darkness! I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t surrender my mind. How was I ever going to overcome this?
Well, during class my teacher and dear friend got a message from spirit for me that she shared regarding my future in Mediumship and what my next step should be. She believed in my ability. She was excited to share with me the vision she was given about my future. After class she messaged me extending a beautiful offer to help with that vision in anyway she could. She had no idea the impact she would have on me. She had such great confidence in me at a time where I had absolutely none. So I guess the moral of this story is to always be kind. Encourage, empower, and embrace others. Those of us that suffer are really good at hiding it and each and everyone of us have the ability to make an energy shift in someone’s life through something as little as a kind word. This week I am back to myself! I am determined to gain control of my mind again so that I can confidently surrender it to spirit. I have climbed out of the darkness back into the light. I am meditating, sitting in the power, and ready to serve spirit again for the good of others. I am a Medium!