Crossing Borders-A Mediums Struggle

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Next month marks a year since my crazy journey began and my gifts were for better terms, awaken.  Looking back I miss the naïve, excited, curious, oblivious person I was regarding my gift.  I am now at the part of my journey where I know better. I am aware that not everyone believes in what I experience. Not everyone finds it exciting and magical.  I am more cautious now because not everyone wants to connect with a crossed over loved one. Not everyone  is ready to hear about an experience I had.  I feel the isolation that this gift brings at times.  I have become hyper sensitive and my feelings are easily hurt. I border on living in my spiritual world and living main stream.  In my spiritual world I feel safe to be me.  Its the main stream world I am struggling with at the moment.  When I see my main stream friends and I get a message from their loved one, do I share it?  What if I freak them out?  What if they start withdrawing from me?  What if that same fear causes me to withdraw from them?  Because of my hyper sensitivity to energy, I am already withdrawing from being out in public too much.  I cant tell you how many times this month I would go to the grocery store and just sit in the parking lot unable to go in. I would end up just going back home.  I just couldn’t deal with the wide open spaces and the large amount of people.  Ok, this can not be good right?   Ugh!!  I guess this is the part of the journey call GROWING PAINS!

A major border I am dealing with right now is WORK.  Yes, I have a main stream career. I am in sales and I have been with this company almost 20 years.  I am the sole provider of income in my home. A couple of weeks ago I ran into my ex-husband and he had some words of advice to give me…”you shouldn’t post any of this medium stuff on Facebook or tell anyone at work, you could lose your job”.  What? Really? I could lose my 20 year career because dead people talk to me? Could I really?  Now that is a reality check for me.  I never ever would have even considered that to be possible.  And it probably isn’t, but the fact that there are people out there that believe that to be true makes it completely possible!!! So what now?  Live a secret life?  Remove all work related friends from my social media pages?  Isolate more?   This has been on my mind a lot lately.  I have had to do some soul searching and found that just because now I am knowledgeable about the world around me doesn’t mean I have to live my life in fear of it.  This is who I am and spirit chose me to work with them. This is their rodeo. Let the chips fall where they will….

Spirit obviously has not borders that separate my personal life from my business life and when there is a message to be given, they can be pretty persistent. Back in October I was sitting in a large conference room surrounded by my co-workers listening to a training presentation being given.  While everyone else is jotting down notes, I am jotting down messages from a mom in spirit.  Back then there was NO WAY I was telling anyone at work (except for a few close people I trusted) what I was experiencing.  So I jotted “my notes” and just kept that all to myself.  Secretly I was dying to ask someone about it just so I could validate what I was getting, but not enough to out myself to my management team. That experience with the mom in spirit stayed with me.  I was never able to just let it go and move on.  I just knew in my gut it was meant for someone in that room that day. Fast forward to December and our office Christmas lunch.  The night before lunch I was starting to feel the presence of spirit and the only thing I heard was the name Susan. Well, I do not know a Susan that had crossed over so I just brushed it off as my imagination. The next morning while I was getting ready for our luncheon I had the memory of the mom who was with me in the conference room back in October.  Back that day the one thing that stood out the most was a vision of Raggedy Ann she was showing me.  Why am I still thinking about that!!!!  A few minutes later my co-worker who I had confided with sent me a text.  She had found out the name of another co-workers mom who had passed away a few years back.  She was hoping I would be able to connect with her mother for her.   In her text she wrote…” her moms name is Susan”.  Whoa!  Are you kidding me??  Am I ready to cross over and mix my personal life with my business world?  At this point I do not think I have a choice.  This momma obviously wants her daughter to know she is around.   She has tried to get my attention since October!    So I did it.  I broke through the border.  I shared with her the story of the day back in the conference room.  Raggedy Ann was a huge reference for her and validation.  It was also great validation for me that I am not crazy!  So now my close circle of two people at work knowing has grown to a whopping four.  Baby steps haha! Its only a matter of time before it spreads like wildfire.  Hopefully I don’t get burned.  Guess its all part of the gig I signed up for before I was born.  I have to trust that God and Spirit know what they are doing and I will have to surrender to the fact that I am a Medium.

 

 

A Mothers Love for Her Son

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I have three beautiful children and I love them ALL equally and would literally give my life for any of them.  I think any mother would.  But there is something very special about a mother and her son.  I have yet to figure out exactly what that X factor is, but it does exist.  In one instant they can break your heart-yet you love them no less. They could not call you for weeks-yet you love them no less.  They could forget to say I love you-yet you love them no less.  You fear for their safety, you pray they find love, you hope for their future.  Today I was reminded just how special this connection can be.

I had some Christmas errands to run this morning.  On the radio one of my absolute favorite Christmas songs came on, “Mary Did You Know?”.   It sparked an emotional response that I just couldn’t shake.  I had remembered that last year the church I had attended sang that song during their Christmas show and it was one of the most beautiful renditions I have ever heard.  So I went and downloaded it and played it while I was driving to the store. What a beautiful song about a mother and her son.  Have you ever really sat and just listened and absorbed the lyrics and felt the power of that song?  At about the same time my own son was messaging me needing some ideas on what to get his girlfriend for their 4 year anniversary.   We went back and forth before hitting the jack pot on what would be perfect for her.  My advice to him was to always make her feel special.   Looking back on my past relationship with my ex-husband, that is really all I ever wanted.  It was truly that simple.  So I hoped that this was something I could teach my son. Make her feel special, show he off to the world, and love her.  So while I was listening to the song, my son text me to let me know he had ordered flowers for her and was having them delivered to her while she was at school.  I had suggested roses, because well that’s what us girls like right?  “Mom, I didn’t just get a dozen.  I got two dozen and balloons and a teddy bear.”!  Can I just tell you all that IMMEDIATELY tears fell from my eyes!!!  I was so proud of my son at that exact moment. I was so proud of him as a man (he is 21).   Then almost as immediately as the tears fell for him, they started falling for myself.  Not really sure why I became so emotional.  Feelings of hurt and anger from my marriage all of a sudden hit me out of no where.  We have been divorced since 2010 and pretty much have a non-existent relationship at the moment since our kids are all  grown up. Needless to say by this time I am pretty much and emotional basket case.  Once again I played the song and basked in the beauty of it and the message and went on to the store.

I ended up getting everything I needed and when I got back to my car I just had the urge to sit there.  The events from earlier had really sparked an emotional release that I think I had been desperately needing.   I played ” Mary Did You Know” about three times and just released and filled my heart with love.  I must have sat in the parking lot for about 15 minutes with my eyes closed just listening and feeling.  When I finally opened my eyes, I glanced around to just make sure no one was watching this crazy lady sitting in her car singing and crying!  I looked in my side-view mirror and noticed a large green truck backing up and parking right behind me. That truck looks very familiar.  And guess who steps out of it?  Yup, my ex-husband.  So I wipe my eyes and open my car door to see if I get his attention.    He sees me and comes over to say hello.  At this point my spidy senses start going off.  I do not believe in coincidences.  Spirit is up to something.  After a few minutes of small talk he ask, “so how is your medium stuff going?”  I replied that it was going well and then he asked, “have you talked to my mom?”.

My mother-in-law had passed away last year after a battle with cancer.  She was an extraordinary women who’s light always shined bright for all that met her.  She didn’t live the easiest life but you could never tell by her spirit and love for life and her family.  One of the biggest loves of her life was her son. I don’t think anyone would ever argue that fact.  He wasn’t always the easiest to love either. But, there again was that mother son bond that I just cant explain.  I have to tread a little carefully with this subject with him because he is not a believer.  He calls himself a “realist”.  He is a tad bit, ok ALOT bit skeptical A few weeks prior he told my daughter who is also a Medium, if my mom is really talking to you ask her what she used to call me as a child.  When my daughter came back and told me that, I honestly had no idea.  I don’t think I ever knew what his mom called him as a child.  So I decided that I was going to ask!  I was going to ask his mom.  And so I did.

“Actually, yes” I replied.  I went on to share that his mom has spoken to me now on three occasions.  Of course he didn’t really believe me I am sure.  I said that our daughter had told me about the challenge to determine his child hood name.  I explained that I was not 100% sure if I was hearing the name correctly because I really didn’t have any point of reference.  I was hearing Yani, Noni, Nani- or something to that effect.   The color rushed from his face like he had just seen a ghost.  Apparently, I was right :).  Now that I had his attention, and for at least this brief instance he believed me, I was able to share some other things with him that his mom had told me.  I was able to touch this mans heart, even if it was only for a brief second.

Imagine the roller coaster ride this Medium was on today.  I went from having a powerful emotional experience about Mary and her son Jesus,  to being in complete LOVE with my own son and our relationship, to being angry at my ex-husband for not being what I needed him to be only to run into him and share with him the love of his own mother in spirit all within an hours time. Now that my friends is the work of the spirit world!  You just cant make this stuff up!!

 

When a Medium Suffers from Depression

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So what happens when a Medium suffers from depression?  It has been awhile since my last blog and that is mainly because it has taken me till now to finally have the energy, courage, and mostly the will to even want to write anything down.  Thanksgiving day is the day my emotions started to spiral.  I have always had some difficulties at holiday time when there are big gatherings.  Never really knew why my anxiety kicks into over drive during those times.  Now that I am  plugged into what is happening to me with regards to energy I have finally realized that during the holidays I can get totally wiped out because of everyone else’s energy around me.  I am a sponge and I absorb EVERYTHING from EVERYONE around me!  Everything includes the not so nice feelings of anger, anxiety, and depression.  This year was especially hard.  I am more open to the energy around me with the work I am doing. At one point I had to lock myself in a closet and just cry and get away from everyone.   I wasn’t prepared for the energy overload  I would experience from having a large family gathering.  I.  I spiraled into a lonely, dark depression that lasted for days. I didn’t let anyone in on how I was feeling. I rarely left the house or my bed.  I didn’t return calls or texts.  I didn’t want to be around anyone unless it was absolutely necessary. And when I did  have to go out and be social I was very good at masking my feelings.  I can drag myself out of bed, struggle to shower, cry while putting on my make, and still show up with a smile on my face and laugh along side you.  But I was keeping a HUGE secret.  What you didn’t know was that I  struggled to survive every day.  Every day I kept myself alive was a major accomplishment.  As I write this I am still overcome with emotions on just how bad it got at one point.  I just know that this is something I have struggled with over lifetimes and this lifetime I was meant to beat it!!!!!  By day four I was begging GOD to take these feelings away and allow me to feel “normal” again.  As so it was, and so he did.  I survived that very bleak moment in time. I  am still working on getting my mind right again and continue to pray that those thoughts and feelings never return.  I have been feeling energy a lot the past couple of days and I know that means spirit is trying to connect with me, but my mind just isn’t ready to surrender yet.  To be honest I am a little afraid.  The mind is such a powerful thing!!!!  And to lose control of your mind is frightening!!!!  Depression is REAL!  It can hit you with no warning.  You can be sad for no reason!!  Depression HURTS!!! Depression KILLS!!

So, what does that mean for a Medium?  Well it means I just took a couple of steps backwards.  Being a Medium is all about trusting spirit and surrendering your brain to allow messages to come through.  But when your brain gets sick it can be a little scary letting go and surrendering again.  At the moment I am pushing spirit away.  I am afraid to sit in stillness.  I am afraid of losing control of my mind again.  This past weekend I went to a meditation class.  The first one I have been to since my incident.  I really struggled.  I tried.  I wanted to. I wanted to let my imagination run free. I wanted to soar in the freedom of surrendering. I wanted to experience all the magic again.  When taken on a journey to a beautiful meadow where we would find a gift for ourselves ….I got a rock.  One single rock.  Why a rock?  Is that just the state of my mind right now?  During the second meditation we were taken to a park bench where a loved one would join us.  I sat in darkness. I am a Medium!  I am in a room filled with people and their loved ones, yet I sat in darkness! I just couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t surrender my mind.  How was I ever going to overcome this?

Well,  during class  my teacher and dear friend got a message from spirit for me that she shared regarding my future in Mediumship and what my next step should be.  She believed in my ability.  She was excited to share with me the vision she was given about my future.  After class she messaged me extending a beautiful offer to help with that vision in anyway she could.  She had no idea the impact she would have on me.  She had such great confidence in me at a time where I had absolutely none.  So I guess the moral of this story is to always be kind.  Encourage, empower, and embrace others.  Those of us that suffer are really good at hiding it and each and everyone of us have the ability to make an energy shift in someone’s life through something as little as a kind word.  This week I am back to myself!  I am determined to gain control of my mind again so that I can confidently surrender it to spirit. I have climbed out of the darkness back into the light.  I am meditating, sitting in the power, and ready to serve spirit again for the good of others.  I am a Medium!